Lancing a wound

I don’t think I’m emotionally capable of reading another post about Orlando, because it hurts my heart every time. I don’t even know why I’m writing this, honestly, but it feels like I have something sticking in my brain like a needle, and maybe writing it down will help.

Most of it goes back to a memory with a family member, which supersedes every positive memory I’ve ever had with him (of which there were many). I remember sitting in the living room by myself, watching the movie Giant with Rock Hudson and James Dean. This family member came into the room and apropos of nothing said “I always liked Rock Hudson, til I found out he was a faggot.” That singular moment has stuck with me, and I think of it often. He was talking about Rock Hudson, but he was also talking about gay people. He was talking about me. He didn’t know that at the time, and I have no idea if he’s changed his thinking on that. I just know what I felt then, when I was questioning everything about myself, that this person might never love me again if he truly knew who I was. I don’t know if he feels the same as other people in the country, that the world is better without more gay people in it (brought to us by the cesspool that is Twitter). It keeps me up at night and makes my stomach hurt, but I’d rather stay in ignorance, because the alternative is just awful.

This shooter wasn’t some ‘other.’ This was an American man that wanted to get rid of as many gay people as he could. And the people that applauded him weren’t some ‘others.’ They are more than likely my neighbors, people I walk past on the street, that kid on the bus in 8th grade that said gay people should be rounded up and shot (another one I’ll never forget).  And everything worthwhile on the subject has already been said, and said better, by others. But writing it down might make it feel a little less like poison, so I figure it’s worth a try.

Lancing a wound

11 thoughts on “Lancing a wound

  1. We can’t control the bigotry and lack of compassion in others. I think that’s why it feels poisonous and saddens us. What we can control is the degree to which it hurts us. We have control over OUR reactions. I’m not saying you have an obligation to forgive these people for the ignorant, hurtful things they said, but you can help free yourself of the hold they have over your joy. Imagine how pitiable it is to live in a world you imagine as full of hidden corruptions and enemies, monsters you might not recognize “until it’s too late”. The world is full of those who will love and support you if compassion is what you offer to them. But if you view the world as a dark alley, all you know is the fear someone or something you value will turn infected, that it will infect you too. It’s a terrible prison to be stuck in without parole.

  2. CAB says:

    I’ve actually been surprised at how much the Orlando thing has been affecting me and now I’ve read your blog and it’s just dust in my eyes..or pollen…something. If your family member can’t love you just because you are YOU then they are missing out on some serious wonderfulness

    1. I don’t know if he DOESN’T I just know he probably loves me DIFFERENT which is just weird. It’s affecting me way more than I expected it to as well. I think it’s harder after so much progress with gay rights that when something like this happens we’re reminded “no, we’re still here, hating you” and no one wants to hear that shit.

  3. Beverly Little says:

    Love you Nik to infinity and beyond!!. I am so angry and bitter that there are still people that are so cruel, ignorant, heartless and just stupid! This is the 21st century for crying out loud! Stop the hatred…enough already! I know the relative you speak of and if that person EVER says any negative comments about the LBGT community, there will be hell to pay!!! ♡♡♡

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