A human made a joyful link-up where people could share their amusing dating disasters, so I thought I’d join in. Cause HOLY SHIT I GOTS A DOOZY.
Ok so, when I moved to DC I was already pretty sure I wasn’t straight. I started noticing that I had virtually no real interest in any guy that I dated and never was really sad at all when we broke up. There was also the fact that I kept going to the record store when I thought that one chick was working…
So anywho, I get to DC and decide “ok that’s it, I’m gonna date a chick.” At that point I didn’t consider myself gay yet. It’s like when I smoked, I didn’t consider myself a smoker if I was just bumming cancer sticks. Not until I bought a pack of cigarettes did I consider myself a smoker (don’t worry mom, it only lasted a year, I promise). So, I just hadn’t bought the lesbian pack of cigarettes yet.
I signed up for Match.com and decided to throw my hat into the gay ring. Started chatting with some girls, things looked promising. One girl was attractive, had a twisted sense of humor, and seemed interested. We made a date. She knew I had never been with a girl before, so she decided we would tour the gay wonders of DC. I didn’t really think that was necessary, as I wasn’t interested in any sort of orientation, I just wanted to potentially-at-some-point make out with a lady.
She picked me up (which was probably a bad idea, she could’ve been a murderer, after all) and almost immediately answered the phone and proceeded to talk to her sister for a half hour whilst driving us into town. When she eventually hung up, she told me she needed to be careful, because she was on probation. Why would you think she’d be on probation? Oh, because she got arrested for assaulting her ex-girlfriends coke dealer at a bar downtown. Always one to see the silver lining, I thought, “at least she’s honest?”
We eventually get to the first stop of our date, a tasty sushi restaurant. I then notice that she doesn’t look at me for the entirety of dinner. Is there something hanging from my nose? I go to the bathroom to check. Nope, I look totally normal. Ok, it’s not that. She also doesn’t ask me a single thing about myself but does say that she is exhausted because she was up until 4 am having sex with a friend of hers she went home with from the bar last night. Boy oh boy, this is getting fascinating!
We move onto the next stop, the only girl bar in DC. We sit down, get a beer, and two girls sit down almost immediately so that one of them could hit on my ‘date.’ I recognize that this date is already awful, but come on! She’s still theoretically my date! After that, we head back to Dupont Circle so she can introduce me to a sex shop where they sell whips, chains, and all kinds of interestingly-shaped inserts.
We leave pretty soon and go to a dance club, where she lets me know that the bathrooms to the right are for drugs, those to the left are for sex. I asked “which ones are for pissing?” She either didn’t hear me over the thumping bass or didn’t think it was very funny.
We then just stand on the balcony watching people dance for about a half hour. No talking. I’m assuming so that I could get acclimated to ‘our people’ and how grinding works? I pull the “gosh I’m tired” line so she will take me home. Cause at this point holy fucking shit am I ready to leave. On the car ride home she tells me about how she got electrocuted once on one of her ‘cable guy’ jobs (did I tell you she’s a cable guy?). For the record, she’s the one that called herself a cable guy instead of a cable girl.
Sorry, I digress…back to her being electrocuted. I immediately think “Hey! Something in common! I can bring up a similar instance and she would likely ask me something about it, right???”
I say “I was electrocuted too, when I was digging in Belize and got struck by lightning.” Now that sentence has at least 3 instances of potential questions. Such as: “Oh you were in Belize? Oh you did archaeology? Oh fucking lightning??? WHAT WAS THAT ALL LIKE?
But nope, she went right back to talking about herself. I got home and she called me the next Friday asking if I wanted to do anything. I was understandably confused and responded “I honestly didn’t think you were at all interested.”
Her: “But why would you think that?”
Me: “Well you didn’t look at me the whole time, didn’t ask me a single thing about me, and I assumed you weren’t really interested in anything serious since you said you had slept with someone the night before our date.”
Her: “Are you pissed? My friend that I just texted our convo to said you are pissed.”
Me: “I promise you, I am not pissed. You asked why I would think you weren’t interested and I told you. I actually have no feelings on the matter.”
Her: “Oh man are you pissed.”
Me: “Well this is accomplishing nothing, have a good day!”
And that was my introduction to dating girls. I like to think my wife is glad it didn’t turn me off from girls for good, but you’d have to ask her that…